Safety is Not an all or nothing experience – There are degrees and varieties of safety.
Our bodies and minds are fine tuned to sense safety, in all its different varieties. We may feel safe enough to enjoy a meal with a new friend, or safe enough to let down and cry with someone we trust; safe enough to fall into a deep sleep or safe enough to speak truth to power or ask a big favor from someone. Safety may depend on our sense of being empowered and in control, or on our sense of trust in the people or situation around us.
Right now, I want to talk about three kinds of safety.:
- Safe enough to function for a “normal day.”
- Safe enough to heal, to allow discomforts and pain to surface and be newly digested and integrated.
- Safe enough to take risks, to expand our upper limits beyond our previously known capacity.
Safe enough for “normal” functioning – Many of us feel safe enough to function well enough most days. We work, drive, eat, sleep, talk with people, relax and hang out. We might say we are “fine.” “Doing ok.” We may carry a fair amount of anxiety or fear, but we are used to it and function well enough in spite of it. We are not threatened by overwhelming challenges or feelings.
Safe enough to heal – Safe enough to heal can mean we have a better support system or more trust in ourselves. The work here is in facing and feeling things that overwhelmed us in the past. If we did not have the support we needed back then, what makes it safer now? One risk is that our support system will fail. People can turn away. They may judge us as needy, or feel disgusted or overwhelmed by what we have had to face. Another risk is that we are not sturdy enough to face feelings we have been avoiding, or that we do not have the bandwidth to stay connected with another person while we let big old feelings surface.
Safe enough to push our upper limits (and expand capacity) – Growth is about daring to go for new things. As we heal, we can explore and show more of our capacities and gifts. We can find and follow more of our purpose in life. Old limitations may not make sense, but exploring new territory can be scary. We can build skills and learn to track cues that we are safe enough to go for more. Healthy risk-taking is about knowing we have a choice and have the resources to recover from failure. Expanding my upper limits can look like: Risking a dive from higher than ever before. Asking for the raise I really think I deserve. Sharing my anger or vulnerability more authentically than ever.
Threat is always about the potential of getting overwhelmed. Safety is about knowing we can manage the situations we are engaged in. Agency, discernment, and resources, internal and external, all play into our sense of safety.